In May, I left school as a biochemistry major. It was in the final moments of spring semester, once my last final was submitted, that I realized I was unhappy. When every second was stacked full of chemistry exams, calculus homework, and an endless stream of identical biology quizlets, it was impossible to notice the dread I realized was obscuring the rest of my life. The truth was, I hated Chemistry and I hated Biology.
All year, late each night, and for as long I could keep my lids peeled above my irises, I read. Over the course of the year, I read 50 books. And at each and every book, no matter the content, I sobbed my eyes out at the final page. In that final sleepless week, I picked up a poem collection by Sylvia Plath titled Ariel. And if you have read Sylvia Plath you will know that her writing is not necessarily joyful. The book contained many themes of death and despair; but at the time, the recurring themes of regret spoke to me the most. She expressed how easy it is to feel regret about one’s life, and how torturing it is to spend life doing something without purpose.
The final line of the final poem in the book, titled “Wintering”, reads:
“Will the hive survive, will the gladiolas
Succeed in banking their fires
To enter another year?
What will they taste of, the Christmas roses?
The bees are flying. They taste the spring.”
These lines release Sylvia of her worry about her lasting legacy as a mother and more so as a writer. This poem was written in the days leading up to her death, yet she chose to end it with hope.
Of course, it caused me to bawl for several minutes. And it also caused me to come to two realizations. First, if something has such a powerful influence over my heart, that I tear up during every interaction, then perhaps that is my purpose. And secondly, I considered the idea of my lasting impact on the world, and I knew firmly that I did not want to be known for Chemistry.
This month I happened to pick up Ariel again. When I flipped through the small book, what I took away was no longer despair and grief. Instead, I studied the prose and dove deeply into her complicated language. Once again, I noticed regret, but it flitted by. No longer a concern of mine.
I really loved this, Audrey. I especially liked the part where you discuss your lasting impact on the world. I think that’s something I struggle with a lot. It’s hard to think about what you’ll be remembered for when you’re a college student, because so much of your time is spent living day to day, assignment to assignment, class to class. Your post was really insightful about what really matters and how sometimes it is best to trust what your emotions tell you.
Thoughtful and insightful. Too many of us are blindly following a path that isn’t right for us. Reading this has inspired me to chase my dream- being a lead guitar player in a rock band. Wish me luck
Thank you so much for writing this! I feel like we have really similar stories when it comes to our relationship with STEM and shift to English and Lit. I always feel like deciding to switch like that (especially when you’ve been so sure for so long) is far more difficult than people might think.